Why the hell am I so pathetic? I’ve moved home and I’m so lonely…once again. People don’t want me around, people don’t need me around…so why the hell am I still around?
Loneliness is a weird thing…sometimes people don’t look lonely and those may be the people that suffer the most. I think it’s because people assume others have a lot of friends and therefore have no use for them…and that’s where they’re wrong. Those people could be very lonely and could be longing for attention and companionship, people like me.
So I did it. I packed up everything and I left. I moved home knowing that my family would be there to catch me when I fell.
A lot of people asked me, “Why didn’t you tell more people?” and I actually have a really good answer for that. I only wanted to say goodbye to people that I actually wanted to see. There was no good reason for me to meet up for a bunch of different meals with a bunch of different people that I haven’t seen in months. What was that going to do for us? Make our relationship stronger after that one meal so that you will mean more to me now that I’m leaving? No thanks. I know that me moving home is what is right for me and that’s really all that matters.
Maybe I’m finally on the come up?
Maybe I’m just unlovable. Is that possible? Could someone actually be unlovable? Every time I think I might have a chance to find love…I’m slapped in the face. They don’t want to love me, they don’t want to care about me so they won’t. I don’t think I’ll ever be loved by someone. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wake up next to someone I truly love and smile.
How many fresh starts do I get before the world finally just gives up on me? Every single time I get these new “fresh starts” I think it’s going to be the last fresh start I will need. And every single time, I’m disappointed. I feel like I never win. I feel like I give up on myself and everyone is about to do the same thing. Is it time for me to give up completely? Is it time for me to just waste away alone in my room? Should I just detach myself from all others so that they will not hurt as I do?
All I want is a last fresh start, I want to be able to love and be loved. I want to notice people and I want to notice myself. Please, give it to me or give up on me. Either way, closure could come and I could finally know what to do.
Do this. Go here. Say that. Stand there.
Nowadays any advice that is given to people is usually in the form of a command. Why do I have to be commanded to do something? Why is it not in my human nature to be the perfect example of what society expects from me?
If we are built by society and all of its strict rules then why is it so hard to conform and discover what it wants? So many times we are hurt by our own choices, but what about the things we don’t end up choosing? Where do those decisions fall?
Sometimes, it’s just time to call it a day. I’m tired of failing up here. I’m tired of doubting myself, and most of all, I’m tired of not being happy. So I think it’s time for a move. I think I’m going to move back to Texas to be with my family and ground myself once again in order to figure out where I want to go and what I want to do in my life. I need some sort of direction, and I think my family will be able to provide that for me. I hope my family will be able to provide that for me.
I don’t really know what I’m going to do when I actually get there, but all I know is that my family will be there to catch me and hold me up. They will be there to love me and support me and show me love. I just hope that I can open myself up to that love and care and support that they want and are willing to give me. I want to make them proud and more importantly I want to make myself proud. I want to give myself all the opportunities that I can in order to make my life more enjoyable. Please God, give me the strength to make the right decision for my family and I, and give me the strength to grow.